My apologies in advance, to all you vibe-hunters out there, who may stumble across this sh*t-poast; Looking for a good time, funny things or memes or whatever. But the shoulder market is sadly in complete shambles in this economy, so I'm having a hard time aquiring one for myself to have a good old fashioned cry on. I'm also currently not able to just slide into my Lamborginni and drive away, to dump a big ol' bucket of cash over a professional, to have some of that therapy 'n shit either, as I don't actually own a Lamborginni, or a BMW for that matter. Butt whatever, here goes.

Been feeling really demotivated lately. I haven't felt such a massive lack of motivation in a really long time. Also, I've been smoking (from one pack in 3 days, to a pack a day) and drinking way too much coffee this week, kinda like some ghoulish, tired, nightshift worker, but during normal day hours. Feeling like it's hopelessly impossible, to be able to enjoy the good, simple things, that some people like to say are completely free in life. Just basic social stuff, like meeting up with people I like, talking, going out somewhere, visiting somebody or having some folks come over to visit me. It's all starting to feel like it's either becoming impossible, unafordable, or I have to spent spend so much time, money and effort, just to be able to do a few of these things, so I would inevitably end up exhausted and too burnt out to enjoy any of it.

It was like the simplest thing ever, when I was a little kid back in school. We (me and my classmates, or friends from other classes) were all stuck in boring school together, so we tried to have fun, to make the best of things and I looked forward to hanging out together, just gooffing off after school. It got a little bit harder when moving over to highschool, but I still enjoyed a rather pleasant social life. In my short two years of college, things got harder. People I used to hang out with moved away, spread out all over the country. And most people I was with at the time, all had lots of college work to do, or lived too far away, had a job on the side or other obligations more important that hanging out.

And for the many years after that, up to present time, the difficulty levels of having any sort of social life, slowly started creeping up to the highest settings. I think it's even been more than seven years, since I've been able to convince some co-workers, to have a beer together, after a long-ass work day in the summer, working in a big old warehouse, stacking and packing up boxes and pallets, moving that shit around all day. To some, it's probably the most standard thing in the world, but holy fuck dude, I miss that shit so badly. Nowadays, people just seem to wanna fuck straight off after being done with work for the day. No longer want to see the faces associated with their stupid jobs, or just having too much important stuff going on. And living in a big city alone, where I don't really know anybody, and everything seeming to be incredibly expensive, doesn't make things any easier either.

Creatively, I also can't really say I've been able to find my way back into 'The Zone' again for an even longer amount of time. Last time I really got into it, really gettin'down and enjoying making some animations and stuff,was all the way back in 2014: working on the Gametal Trailer video posted on my Newgrounds page, almost a year after that. 

Even back then, my life was already a shitty mess; I freshly dropped out of college after two years, not getting that piece of paper, leaving myself with student debts I'm still slowly paying off to this day,my mother had to go and die of lungcancer (that certainly won't help the mood either amirite?). I had to leave my parental home, because it was just me and my step dad there (who was a great dude, no troubles from him, he made my mom happy during her last years, so kudos for that old man!), both of us sitting around the house like some misserable, passive, broken spirited sobbing monkeys. So he'd rather moved out, to move in with the new lady in his life. I couldn't maintain the house, paying for all the maintanence, utilities and mortage and all that shit. So he sold the house at a loss to pay off the mortage he took over. We went our sepperate ways and I moved in with a friend and his family for a year, while I sluggishly tried to work and save up some money so I could eventually move out on my own. After wich I moved into a big city by myself, because my old town didn't realy have enough work availlable, wich wasn't seasonal or had enough workhours, to pay for rent and food and shit to live stable and independantly.

Living with him certainly didn't help our friendship (oh quite the contrary indeed), because there was plenty of trouble and drama inside the household, between him and his family. So whenever I wasn't working, I wanted to be out of the house as much as I could. So I would head out with my humble little laptop, sitting down at my local library, or some cafe or coffeeshop, and just worked on my little sprite animation for this dude, who's making metal covers of videogame songs, who I was a big fan of at the time. So that was pretty much my latest moment of really enjoying animating, because it was a very (VERY) welcome escape for me back then.

Way before that, when I still enjoyed animating, was when little teenage me finaly had a bedroom of my own, with a crackling old second-hand Pentium 3 computer, having fun playing around with Flash animations after school.

After that highschool period, I rushed into college (Big mistake kids! Take some time to figure out if you really wan't to go, and pick a good uni/college as well!), wanting to do something with animation, but the college I chose, only really offered animation as a kind of afterthought. I also didn't have much faith, that a diploma would actually really help me getting paid work down the line, and having a mother back home, in the procces of dying didn't help my focus and determination either. (besides that, to be honest, I did not actually have much artistic talent to begin with, nor did I have that mighty big flame of ambition burning inside of me, to make really great art by working hard and dilligently. I was just pretty good at the part of placing little pictures around the screen, to move them around in a way, that's kinda pleasing to the eye. That's pretty much it now that I think of it really)

So fast-forwarding to current time again, where this 30+year old college dropout is slowly working his dead-end job to stay afloat, wich is going kinda okay I guess, so don't worry about that (if you actually do, lol). I'll just keep on truckin'. Will see if some actually worth-while social/work/living/othercoolshit(/dating???) opportunities may arrise. And I suppose I'll just go on and try and make the best of it, with the things I got.

Alright fellas (and fellasses I guess?)! That was that. Thank you for listening to my TED bitching, moaning and complaining session. And have a good one!

See ya! ';3